afraid? where did the time go?... i vowed i will never make decisions, or express myself deeply when i'm particularly and uncomfortably vulnerable... i'm seriously in a puddle of doubt at the moment... and if i sink in any lower the puddle will (soon) engulf my one sane mind...

challenge after challenge i have encountered but tough love and the truth are the worst... and i owe my pain and scars to strangers and acquaintances, loved ones and enemies who deem themselves sent by God to make judgment on my life... but i guess i chose to make myself such an open book... and now i'm paying dearly...

if ever i was hurt, it would be by those closest to me, and by those who have fallen away from me... if ever i was angry, it would be due to my impassioned mind and fervent zeal... if ever i was in love, i would be happy as can be...

3 years ago, someone asked me "what are you afraid of?"... and i was asked this question again... my answer is:

dear someone, I AM afraid of many things, yes, but it was never too big or important for me to admit... i realize now that fears, big or small, count no less than the hairs on my brow... but yes, I AM afraid, sometimes... of living a lie... of life passing me by... I AM afraid that this will all be rhetoric and no amount of wordplay can exacerbate the state of my unfulfilled existence... that if i knew fear face-to-face, i shall be paralyzed and not stand again... I AM afraid you are wrong about me... and... that you are right about me... I AM afraid that i have been cut deep in ways i alone understand...

braveheart, your courage is inspiring, your words are gold... and i find solace in the truth... i would only resent you if you were never honest, or if you were only speaking wisdom just to gloat... my sin lies not in my fear but in finding reasons to excuse my lack of initiative... truly I AM duty-bound... to my Lord... not to anyone... least of all myself...

if ever i was afraid, it would be because i never followed my heart...