CLAYGIRL's MAINBLOG

the current

2008-04-23T10:32:00.006-04:00

aftermaths are very interesting. they have enormous possibilities as lessons. or afterthoughts. 2007 has been both.

i learned that listening helps (so much) in uncomfortable conversations, and that patience pays off NOT just in the end. my complains struggle to fade away, but they are slowly disappearing. i'm thankful instead. excuses and reasons to fail have no place in my journey. i know that i'm finally growing up. i accept myself. i will defy expectations.

so, for you, a student of life...start to learn.

stuck in quiet

2007-08-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

it's been a year of being stuck in happy. but there came a fork in the road. and it hit me square in the eye. that bubble burst. that dent remains. and in this season of black and blue i search for quiet. and i'm still travelling.

love or hate in quiet. left or right in quiet. is there a middle ground in quiet?

but if i stay quiet, if i stay still, the skies will clear. then, i can be happy in the quiet.

stuck in happy

2006-08-31T14:00:00.000-04:00

penned as "stuck in happy" my life is unraveling before me. although discouraged from romanticizing, i do accept that this bliss begins and ends in content. i choose to be stuck here. it's better where i am now. and what's best will come if need be, but good enough is no longer an option.

30 days in wasp season in Winnipeg taught me a few lessons --inspiration is simple, family is gold, a friend is a hero, fun is priceless, and love is free. and that i need to sit down and wait awhile.

i'll be on the road again for 2 months, and i'm excited to experience serendipity once again. wish me well, and keep the porch light on. happy might just pop in for a visit.

what the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

2006-07-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

I don't remember exactly when, but one Sunday recently, I decided to go to Church to attend mass. After some time, I realized that I was in the wrong church - it was a Protestant Church.

I was about to leave, but when the vicar was just beginning his sermon, and I thought it would be rude to get up at this point, and it was a real blessing, because that day I heard things I very much needed to hear.

He said something like:

In all the languages of the world, there is the same proverb: "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over." Well, I say that there isn't an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we're in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we're far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the streets reminds us of them.

"The gospels and all the sacred texts of all religions were written in exile, in search of God's understanding, of the faith that moves whole peoples, of the pilgrimage of souls wandering the face of the Earth. Our ancestors did not know, as we did not know, what the Divinity expects from our lives - and it is out of that doubt that books are written, pictures painted, because we don't want to forget who we are - nor can we."At the end of the service, I went up to him and thanked him: I said that I was a stranger in a strange land, and I thanked him for reminding me that what the eyes don't see, the heart does grieve over.

- Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes
(taken from Alistair Israel's Journal /MULTIPLY.COM)

the perfect wedding

2006-06-12T17:00:00.000-04:00

it's June again, and weddings are the season. some of my friends recently vowed to be loyal forever ever. and i think i'm thinking... so i posted this (from my buddy Alistair). i believe a lot of truth is out there that only a few can speak:

The Dream Wedding

Why is it that, even in the 21st century, women are being conditioned from the time that they're little girls to look forward to one event: their wedding day?

You see this all around. Girls and their Ken & Barbie dolls. Dozens of wedding magazines vying for the same female demographic.

They envision the perfect wedding. The perfect, quaint little chapel or the grand Cathedral or the perfect garden. The choir to sing during the ceremony, and the four-string quartet to play during the recessional and at the reception. Perfect reception, caterers, program, wedding cake, souvenirs, photographers and videographers... etc. etc. etc.

And of course, she. She has to be perfect: perfect gown, perfect veil, perfect make-up. She has to be like those incredibly beatiful women who grace the covers of those very same wedding magazines that she reads on the daily commute to work.

A lot of women spend their entire lives anticipating that day, and then spend another stressful several months prior preparing for that one day. It is as if the wedding was the culmination of a lifelong quest handed down by mothers to their daughters everywhere.

The irony of it is this: I think that the wedding isn't the end. It's merely the beginning!

I do not have a 'dream wedding'.

At most, I have a few ideas of how simple and solemn I want it to be, but that's it. And that's not just because I'm a guy (and therefore I'm cheap and would like the pain to be over quickly :D).

Rather than dreaming up the 'perfect wedding', I say it'd be better for all of us to direct our efforts preparing for the ideal marriage.

Note that, it's not even a perfect marriage - surely there is no such thing. An 'ideal marriage' would be almost like every other marriage: you'll have petty fights, you'll have big fights. One of you may hurt the other, one of you may have to give in and give up something for the other.

There'll be dull seasons filled with tedium and mediocrity - but there will also be days of great passion. The sacrifices will, in turn, prove to be worth it. You will forgive each other your faults and indiscretions. After the fights, you'll have great sex to make up.

It'll be ideal because it'll be ideal - with a person you honestly cannot live without, and who enriches your life so - and vice-versa.

I wouldn't mind getting married at the nearest parish church that's free, with only family and select friends as witnesses. I don't need politicos for our ninongs & ninangs. It shouldn't matter if the reception is only at the nearest Chinese restaurant available.

And if it won't matter to me - it won't matter to her. Otherwise, why would I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her in the first place?

What matters is just that - that she won't mind. And that she and me can actually bear each other for the rest of our lives.

I don't care about the 'perfect wedding'. An ideal marriage is what I'd rather pray for and plan for.

After all, the wedding day is just the beginning.

for me the perfect wedding will not amount to much if perfect Love is not the main celebration...

migration part 2

2006-06-05T12:00:00.000-04:00

it's been a month here in the concrete jungle. and my heart aches for home. but then the God of my travels reminds me to that the journey walks its own pace. i would need to gear up for the long haul:

1. patience. waiting is an art i still have to master. God's will is my brush, his assurance is my canvas.
2. courage. to face one's fears requires sure footing. often times i need a new pair of shoes.
3. faith. the last time i jumped off a cliff i took too much time hesitating. this time around did i just brace for impact?
4. vision. i'd like to stare straight at the sun. i'd like to know if the terminal is filled with familiar faces.
5. grace. a rest stop is a place to take stock of one's steps. and to get distracted. i need grace to keep me company or i might not wake up.
6. prudence. the easy way is overrated. my life's compass sometimes needs fixing.
7. love. i think i'm still selfish. but i think love thinks of me, and won't let me go.

the God of my surrender says, "I always Am. There was no one else. For you, it's Me."

with this said, i hang on.

erroneous. word of the week.

2006-05-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

i heard this word twice this week...

\Er*ro"ne*ous\, a. [L. erroneus, fr. errare to err. See {Err}.]
1. Wandering; straying; deviating from the right course; --hence, irregular; unnatural. [Obs.]
2. Misleading; misled; mistaking. [Obs.]
3. Containing error; not conformed to truth or justice; incorrect; false; mistaken; as, an erroneous doctrine; erroneous opinion, observation, deduction, view, etc. -- {Er*ro"ne*ous*ly}, adv. -- {Er*ro"ne*ous*ness}, n.

one, it was to address some comments i heard & relayed to someone else. and in my haste to discuss matters i have no expert knowledge on, i gave the impression that i can get easily misled. i need to ground myself in my faith basics or be otherwise prone to make the same erroneous statements i hear from others (who supposedly know their faith).

and then, i got some mail i didn't ask for. maybe i really ought to give up music/movie subscriptions. but then again i love sale items. CDs and DVDs these days are erroneously overpriced!

have you been erroneous lately?

fitness training

2006-04-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

growing in spirituality is much like fitness training or distance running:

a) commitment - if you're not in it for the long haul, simple practice runs are a waste of time.
b) focus - the finish line is a clear goal, a definitive end. get there.
c) motivation - why run the race? what moves you? find out.
d) diet - balance. enough said.
e) support - friends are the best stabilizers.

critical as the the last leg of the race is, a first step must take place. decide to join. today.

*benchwarmers need not apply.

the necessary hurt

2006-03-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

i step forward. i stumble backwards. i get up. i fall to the side. and i get up again... bruised, i brush off the dust from my tired arms, and shake off the mess from the feet that walked (and ran) the race...

that is the necessary hurt.

and at the end of this long, tedious, spontaneous highway is a blinding light that will make me smile. my heart knows. it's been broken many times. and it has also felt heaven and grace amazing. the appropriate words escape me right now, but this is why i keep walking (and running) towards the prize...

and then will be the necessary joy.

migration

2006-03-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

birds fly South for the winter, and i fly out East next month for the sheer excitement! migration. it's an instinct i have come to know well. adaptation. an endless sea of newness. what's next. i don't know. with doors ajar i never know what to expect. i just keep on... i just keep going on.

and that goes for my Lenten pledge too... my share of unholy hours are always before me. my mind is always the first to give in, and so i'm rendered helpless. i think i'm tempted beyond my means when all i really had was power. power to keep... on... keeping... on.

never enough

2006-03-08T02:00:00.000-05:00

these days i find myself singing to the tune of never enough:

it's never enough to just pray... it's not sufficient to think good thoughts... i'm not content with just... THIS. there is always that something else, better, faster. it's never enough.

all i need to do...

2006-02-20T01:00:00.000-05:00

it's unlike me to start something new unless it's worth my time & energy. but life is not like that, cliche-ish as it is. a new day literally means a new set of 24 hours to better or worsen my life. thank God for perspective & self-reflection. i realized today, and on those chosen days of past i could not recall, i am prideful, resentful, judgmental... a bug on the earth's wondrous garden. and i don't hate myself for it. all i need to do is love.

if i focus on love, and not on my imperfections, i will eventually attain peace of mind. my sin is always before me, but it isn't going to stay with me. not on God's watch. not under the kindness of others. no way. and all i need to do is love.

it's good to be here

2006-01-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

today i got up... and, i also got a brand-spankin' new perspective on life: it's good to be here. whether or not this is my last sacred blessing, today is surely amazing. all i know is i'll be smiling from today on... i pull up a chair, look up. i close my eyes in the quiet amidst the bustle, and embrace the unseen joy. i listen for that incessant thug in my heart. i toss away old ways, and in sunrise of a new day, i am still and stay... right where i'm supposed to be.

a wish list

2005-12-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

this year and previously i've grown up in many ways i could never imagine, done things i would never plan, and met & knew people//individuals i had never had the courage to befriend. i am hopeful it keeps up as long as i live & breathe... and so i've thought up a wish list of A-Z for any season:

a) a plane ticket to anywhere
b) a yearly supply of hugs
c) a phone call out of nowhere
d) a surprise visit
e) a blind date
f) an ample alount of quality time
g) a CD of an artist i've never listened to
h) a gift certificate for any kind of accessories
i) a song for my birthday
j) a midnight stroll
k) an early morning walk
l) a random text message hello
m) a kind word every week
n) a free movie pass
o) a new hairdo
p) a ride in a train
q) a day in the beach
r) a weekend stay in a winter lodge
s) a funny-sexy Valentine gift
t) an hour of soothing massage
u) an hour in a hammock
v) a monthly supply of books
w) a pair of pure wool socks
x) an incredible & memorable kiss
y) a random road trip
z) a time of quiet & silence every month

i CAN dream... *sigh*

2005-12-18T03:00:00.000-05:00

love, family, life... the hardest people to love is our family... not because we don't love them but because the routine burdens of life harden even the gentlest of souls... and because we push too hard for change, without trying it ourselves.

i recall a time when (one of) my 'significant others' had an abiding spirit. we would converse for hours about the deepest things & shallowest things, from matters of the heart to matters of science & spirituality to what the funniest cartoons were. now, distance seems to be the only subject matter between us. cold, it may seem, or even a phase, but i think people can choose to (really) live or merely act out in tiresome episodes of "me against the world" and pretend the universe will wait until they change. life ISN'T about waiting... it's about loving, in the NOW, for TODAY.

the hardest people to love is MY family. but because love is a commitment, dutifully expressed in a sense//sensibility of respect & years of devotion, the routine of life is a routine of joy. my gentle countenance has never left but keeps going through the motions for struggle is an omen of victory... i still smile, i still laugh, and occasionally cry. change will come because love came ONLY & love came FIRST. if we're not loving them, who would we love?

LIFE. it's here for a reason. if we're not living, what are we doing?

2005-12-15T04:08:00.000-05:00

friendster addicts anonymous... i've been online a lot lately, posting pictures mostly, and catching up on everyone's birthdays, memorable moments, etc. and i'm hooked!

http://claygirl.blogs.friendster.com/clayblog/

hi, my name is Lissa and i'm a Friendster addict... with 500+ friends i may not recover...

2005-11-21T03:00:00.000-05:00

recovering from joy... last Friday my dearest friends vowed to love each other forever. they declared their friendship to be true & their commitment to be secure. THAT, dear reader, is the life i will lead. someday. when the time is right, and when the moment is perfect...

joy was all ours to witness, and to keep... thank you Venus & Charlie! i don't intend to recover from such an experience... for all i know about love, thank you God!

2005-11-06T16:00:00.000-05:00

sainthood... some say it is the stuff of legends, and sometimes viewed as fiction, almost unreachable, undeniably a tale to tell. but sainthood is everywhere. they walk the streets, work in the offices, praying for rain. this is life's ultimate purpose... sainthood is achievable, with God's grace. AND it happens everyday...

the drudgery, the aches, the pains of having to struggle with ourselves purges us in mysterious ways, and even obvious ones. the true mark of a saint is the conviction that God is the main man, the reason, the one sure thing, even in the midst of suffering... and in that battle, the saint begins.

"If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?" Oswald Chambers

sainthood. reality from heaven's point of view. experience it and believe.

2005-10-07T02:00:00.000-04:00

the winner's goal... in the grand scheme of life, there's always a point of 'pause', a point of 'ponder', and a point of 'push'... this past 3 months was test after test, trial after trial... but as a good friend pointed out {paraphrased}, "life is not just a series of tests but a big realization and conviction that God is (enough)..."

my major setback is that i often fail to pause & ponder... and pray.

my major victory is that God is kind, and that grace never runs out... if my focus ever got lost, mercy always found me and redirected me...

i pray that each time i reach the breaking point, i'll take a step further, and further more...

2005-09-19T17:00:00.000-04:00

the fools goal...

"...The fools goal is to do what it takes reach goals. It is being willing to risk failure, look foolish and make mistakes to live the full life afforded to everyone. You must be willing to do what others won't. You must be willing to believe in what you can achieve when others won't. You must be willing to take action when others won't. You must be fool and not a fan of the mass thinking. You will easily look like a fool when you refuse to play it safe. When you speak contrary to group thinking and choose independence and your own path you will look like a fool."

"You look like fool when you believe your wildest dreams can come true. You look like a fool when you embark on the journey towards your greatest dreams and you don't know all the details about getting it done or where you will get the resources. You look like a fool when you forgive in the face of hurt. You look like a fool when you love instead of hate."

"You are fool when you believe in miracles and that 'it can happen for you'. Are you willing to look foolish by thinking big and acting big when you life may seem to be small right now? It doesn't matter where you start. Just start. What matters most is how you finish and where you finish. My hope is that you will foolishly pursue your wildest dreams and biggest goals with childlike belief in your possibilities and that you finish your course of life strong and having used life up magnificently!"

Taken from "The Fool's Goal" by T. L. Pakii Pierce

2005-09-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

can you 'philia' love?... what can i say but friendship has never been sweeter. these women have become my 'soul mates' since i moved here... they keep it real, they keep it true. we blend into each other's lives & dreams, into each other's hearts & psyches... it's amazing:

True friendship is a harmony between souls rather than between minds.
Our best friends are those with whom we are most in unison at heart.
It is not needful that friends always think alike.
Often they hold opinions as far apart as the poles, but there must be a unity in spirit
and a mutual heart throb if friendship is to be of the enduring kind.
When two people hold this relation to each other,
they are more than mere acquaintances---they are friends.
M. PETERSON

to Venus, Aleth & Joy... all my heart.

2005-09-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

why is it that when help comes to us we tend to curl up and suddenly feel we're not exactly able to handle things on our own?... and why is it that when we help we often hurt than help?...
[because we're too proud to admit we're not in control of our lives. and we are so self-centered.]

why is it that we screw up relationships when we're attempting to make them better?...
[because we're afraid of being alone.]

why is it that we can't accept brutal truths from people who care?... and why do caring people tend to shoot themselves in the foot when they stand up (no pun intended) for what is 'right'?...
[because having courage doesn't equal an easy way out.]

why do fools fall in love when loving is an intelligent choice?... why do we make choices that seem to be the dumbest decisions we ever made?... *shaking head*
[because the choices we make are not dependent on others. be fools for love. be happy.]

we may not be successful in certain things, but what matters is that we TRIED... and failure is something we try to avoid, sometimes unsuccessfully, everyday...
[the prize is sweeter when the risk is greater. real winners do not require a pep talk.]

--original writ Tuesday, December 16, 2003 on xanga--

2005-09-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

carry-on luggage... the allowable extras for travelling must be light enough, and must contain many of the essentials. but we do end up stuffing too much into the carry-on out of sheer overzealousness or anxiety; i might need this, i might need that.

i realized my life is NOT my own. and that i need not carry unnecessary baggage to journey to my eternity. the cross (to carry) is heavy because i'm not willing to submit to the Lord's yoke. the cross is not sickness, or financial crises, or death, but pride & selfishness unyielding. the refusal to trust, the refusal to bend ensures major difficulty. when i come to Him, i leave with a requirement for pilgrimage: surrender.

today, i will bring only what i need... today i only need to BE.

2005-08-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

putting my money where my mouth is... recent events have made me ponder more on what the world means to me. i live here, i eat & sleep here. but i'm headed for much more. i'm meant to do more (than just eat & sleep)...

the problem with being (blessed with) rich (things) is the idea that it remains with us. every waking day, loved ones, strangers, people pass away like the leaves in the Fall. what more of ianimate objects? my attachment would lead to despair, in the false hopes that the one with the most toys wins. how ludicrous! the problem is not my possessions but my inability to let go...

money is NOT the root of all evil. neither is temptation. the fault lies in my attachment to me; it's all about me. if so then i would not need much help in acquiring a life of misery...

putting my money where my mouth is means i value the worth in what i've been given, and give it away. the rich man in today's world will be wiser for it. sharing is not just for camels.

2005-08-11T22:00:00.000-04:00

where man has gone before... i've often daydreamed and wished away my time... and no matter where i go in my flights of fancy, i end up where i want. but real life is not like that. magical places, and fantastic scenarios are but hopeful collages of repressed memories of a hard, imperfect life...

in all this wishful thinking, i know i fear one thing: the choice of compromise. yes, i can choose to settle, or claim the best. why else do i pray for perfect moments? i can be real and actually make my life a gift, a blessing. we can be spectators warming the bench of mortality, or be the co-creators of the lives we lead.

the choices are always here. but you and i are not. don't wait for forever. make NOW count.

2005-07-24T02:00:00.000-04:00

friendster fetish... today i maxed out my Friendster account. i have 500+ friends & that's unbelievable. i do know MOST of them, but some i hardly speak to or know 50% of the time. it's networking, really. in a juvenile fashion. i like the testimonies most, but because i get to say something good about someone... and so i opened a 2nd account.

anyone wanna be my friend? i can be your virtual confidante. only if you wish...

2005-07-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

household, houseHOME... had my first household last night! ayayayay! we had fun! and it felt good to be home... in the company of near friends... our lighthearted conversation became real, serious in its pursuit of something deeper. God was there. and He spoke the truth... kudos to my sisters for coming out! see you next week! *muah*

2005-07-15T19:00:00.000-04:00

check me out
'borrowed without permission' from ulanmaya's blog

Ten Random Things About Me
10) i cried at Face/Off
9) i sigh a lot
8) i have a messy room
7) i'm a poet
6) i'm a poor wrestler
5) i sleep on the sofa
4) i have a crush on Adam Sandler
3) i'm forgetful
2) i'm a hopeless romantic
1) i've never been kissed

Nine Places I've Visited:
9) New York
8) New Jersey
7) Chicago
6) California
5) Washington State
4) Montreal
3) Toronto
2) Ottawa
1) Saskatchewan

Eight Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
8) sing with a rock band
7) go skydiving
6) write a book
5) meet & marry my soul mate
4) learn to drive stick
3) learn to swim (again)
2) travel the world
1) tell people about God

Seven Characteristics I Want in a Man:
7) Good looks
6) Family man
5) Hardworking
4) Intelligent
3) Principled
2) Sense of humor
1) God-fearing

Six Things I Believe in:
6) Goodness
5) Angels
4) Friendship
3) Family
2) Love
1) God

Five Things I'm Most Afraid of:
5) Burying my talents
4) Heights
3) The deep
2) Being alone
1) Death

Four Most Valuable Things In My Life:
4) Family
3) Friends
2) SFC
1) God

Three Things That I Do Every Day:
3) Play with my nephew
2) Pray
1) Work

Two Things That I'm Trying To Do Right Now:
2) balancing my life
1) meeting project deadlines

One Person I Want To See Right Now:
1) my soul mate

2005-07-14T15:00:00.000-04:00

thanksgiving... i don't think i'll stop being grateful since this whole incident... it's been a while since i stepped out of that printed hospital gown, and got unhooked from the IV & the morphine drips --i'm alive in Christ! he3

i stay eternally indebted to many good people out there, especially those who came to visit me, pre-op and post-op and recovery... you are my comrades... despite your busy schedules & life agendas you came anyway. and to those faraway well-wishes helped immensely once i got back on my feet. i am more than blessed!

SHOUT OUTS: YFC/SFC FTW crew, i see Christ in you! my tres amigas, together through thick & thin! my E-Town brothers & sisters, prayer warriors! SFC Canada, true brethren! my YFC friends, you are warmth in the cold! kind strangers, you bless my way!

and... thank you to my family. you keep me in check. you make me crazy! you are my jewels...

2005-06-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

post-op recovery... i'm well underway to full health due mainly to prayers, countless visits & phone calls from friends & loved ones... reading & DVDs, simple diet, plenty of sleep, prayer & meditation... keys to healing... God IS enough!

at 180 lbs. and ready to conquer the local mall, it's gonna be a makeover all over again. dang!

thank YOU so much! i'll see you soon!

2005-06-07T04:00:00.000-04:00

pre-admission... fyi, my surgery date IS for sure June 22, 2005, Wednesday morning at 9:55 am... my true confession for today is i'm scared (of post-op time)... the nurse went thru all the necessary info i needed, clinical as it sounded, yet i felt antsy. it's been a while since i went under the knife. with new medical procedures and higher risks, the dice can roll either way. that is just the scared me talking of course(!)... i will be OK --one day at a time.

soooo.... for all who are praying for me, do pray some more... and to my always reassuring friends, thanks for keeping me anxious-company!

2005-06-01T23:00:00.000-04:00

the mission is what matters... surprisingly this line from "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" will be my credo from now on... and for the most part my life has been about a mission outside of myself... i move from once country to another, one city to another, one lifestyle to another, one relationship to another because of the 'mission'...

instilled in my breakfast & bedtime stories, applied in my youth & yearly reflections, and realized in my awkward & adventurous adolescence, there's no way i will only meet 5 people on my way to heaven. i want to meet more... i want to meet my kindred spirits, my kind strangers, my soul mates, my acquaintances, my old & new loves, my mentors, my proteges, my inspirations, my benefactors... i want to meet my Creator. and then i will give thanks... and shower the world with light once again... like i'm doing now.

the mission is what matters... what matters is YOU.

p.s. i have a new blog that contains my old xanga posts, with some updates...

2005-05-30T01:00:00.000-04:00

bless the broken... i got more visits today from people i didn't expect, and once again my heart is lighter even when my body seems wrought with exhaustion & weakness... about 5 cars of good men & women, friends of old & new persuasion gave me quality time today... a smile on their faces, a breath of warm wishes, hugs galore & a single bouquet of pink carnations meant more to me than a thousand gifts... (i could just) imagine my post-surgery visits(!)... wow!

thank you, my Lord for these sweet benefits!

p.s. update... the results are negative --benign-- yey! however, my surgery may not be till June 22, if not earlier, hoping a bed is available at Royal Alexandria... please pray for more patience as i wait... another week or so of cramps & back pains and semi-solid food... oh, well...

2005-05-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

more surprises, anyone?... Wednesday night was a night to remember, another moment of grace...

my left side had been in pain since Tuesday & it got worse so i drove myself to the hospital ER... after 3 hours of waiting, they finally admitted me in for tests --urine, blood, x-ray... morning came & they did more tests --2nd urine, ultrasound... and the suspect was a footlong cyst in my ovary... but just to make doubly sure, another test was run --CT scan... i was so exhausted but i had to know... then the resident OBGyn tested me some more... the CTscan confirmed the cyst & its dimensions (24cm X 15cm)... they then moved me into the Women's Center for operation the next morning... they would be making larger cuts on my stomach (inverted T), and risks are greater... but i wasn't afraid knowing i made a decision to have this done... God will be with me.

at this time news had been flooding by email & text, people had been visiting, calling, praying... and my tiredness felt bearable... my loved ones will also be with me.

then Friday morning came, another x-ray... the specialist came to see me & told me that another test had not been received; it's called a tumor tracker, which determines if the cyst is benign or malignant, thus informing the surgeons on the proper operating procedure... and so my surgery has been moved to next week... i will be seeing the doctor on Monday to further discuss my predicament...

i'm now at home, resting, on fluid diet only, receiving phone calls visits from more people, browsing internet or TV, reading... and reflecting on how God has been good to me... and again, my tiredness fades... i'm taking it all in stride, hoping that the test result is negative... in stride i will take this; grace alone will carry me...

my humor deal (for this) is for the meantime, i should plan for a cyst shower... i will need new clothes if i'm to lose this huge mass on my tummy, and finally work on those abs...

2005-05-24T01:00:00.000-04:00

surprises, anyone?... i've been fortunate these past 2 weeks for a couple of reasons: one, i get a phone call last week from a dear friend from far away, and second, he calls me again this week. it is assumed here that we both miss each other --and that i still need to acquire a phone card so i can thank him in kind... i'm happy knowing that our conversations were not merely happenstance but placed in a sequence fashioned thoroughly by a gift called choice.

on that note, i admire those who take the time to reconnect, despite miles of latitude or longitude between you & those whom you love... i wish to have the same dedication, and dial the number(s) i've often put aside for a rainy day...

2005-05-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

wowEXPOsed... our annual benefit show for ANCOP Canada, WOW!GK, was a successful event through the collaborative efforts of many generous people, from Filipinos & non-Filipinos in both secular and religious professions...

i believe the beauty of the event was in the positive response to the message of empowering the poor... from those who merely knew poverty as a concept, and understood only what media feeds them... but last night 1400 men, women & children witnessed truth, portrayed in honesty and goodwill...

GAWAD KALINGA is a gift of immense possibilities, and the transformation of rich & poor alike in this world will be God's crowning glory... YOU and I can be the answer to Christ's prayer for unity... will you take part in building a nation? will you take part in changing the world?

2005-05-10T04:00:00.000-04:00

shall we rest?... it's been a grueling 2 weeks, finding little time to get distracted from it all. the preoccupied mind rests only when the body has recovered from the shock theraphy of a restful sleep... *sigh* i do miss the lazy, hazy days of summers long ago where i'd sip a tall glass of iced coffee, listening to the classics, lounging on creaky but comfortable rattan furniture, under a sun-kissed shade... hmmmmm... i feel rested already. good night, reader. take a nap and wake me when your summer begins...

2005-05-06T03:00:00.000-04:00

workplace manners... i find that decorum and morale around the office lately has heightened into a comfortable, paced, well-oiled machine of a system... a structured work area, lots more space to play, and highly humorous co-workers make my work day fulfilling... sank yoo to de man & de wo-man where i vork! si----------------gh!

2005-05-03T01:00:00.000-04:00

random season 2... once again i opened my mouth and silly stuff manages to come out:

me: what?! why is my steering wheel like this?
friend: (adjusting a what-not shift underneath the steering wheel)... they've been making these since 1996... even 1987.
me: but i don't usually touch my steering wheel like that
friend: (pause)
friend 2: you make that sound so dirty

and thus ensues laughter that often comes after i make a remark of a semi-naive and random manner... they're laughing of course. yours truly is puzzled by one's predicament...

so how exactly does one touch the steering wheel, hmmm?...

2005-04-24T17:00:00.000-04:00

random season... summer's here & there are a few things i have to accomplish before i venture on a life decision i made lately... specifically before August:

a) meet work deadlines
b) buy a phone card (for international calls)
c) pay off my parents' laptop, and mine
d) clean the car
e) get rid of the other cars i don't drive
f) lose 30 mad! pounds in 2 months
g) lower my cellphone rate plan
h) finish reading "A Lineage of Grace"
i) sell my old DC & Marvel comics
j) organize my room
k) play tennis (again)

...there's more of course, but for now this will peak my stress level just fine. wish me luck... or better yet, pray for me!

2005-04-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

misjudgments... 'just got back from a wonderful time in Calgary & Fort McMurray... hours away from home yet distance was never an issue... during this time focus was key to my mission --get stuff done, within a minimal amount of time, investing in tons of quality time... everyday became a portal into wisdom, and a measuring stick for the human condition...

my equally wonderful road trip with my co-missionaries was awesome!... i misjudged them a lot in the past & i found out quite a morsel of facts and free-willing trivia while trekking the highways of Alberta... friends, thank you for sharing this amazing life with me!

2005-04-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

a homecoming... our dearest Holy Father has passed on, headed home to the everlasting, and has left a legacy of truth & holiness to billions of Christians worldwide...

for me, he was the most accessible Pope of all, a jetsetter, and brilliant writer. he was a mentor extraordinaire, and a kind man. the very smile from his lips illuminate the Spirit in his soul, and the gaze of this saintly bishop affirmed his strength as a humble servant... Church has been forever changed by his presence, and will forever grow in his absence, for he was a true keeper of Christ's heart, and a true lover of His Bride...

"Mother Mary, your favorite son is home..."

2005-04-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

lighting a candle... today millions of people from all walks of life and from different creeds light a candle for a man who was a light to anyone he met. today, Pope John Paul II clings to life, and holds on to God as he draws near to eternity... and because he believes in Jesus, he will remain a legacy & a saint for all seasons.

I LOVE YOU, IL PAPA!

2005-03-29T18:00:00.003-05:00

the end goal... it's noteworthy how many a cause did not survive the generations only because there was no end goal. but it seems so simple! yet it is not. during lunch today my pseudo-nomad friend & i discussed the pro-life movement and how it is these days: not bad, but not yet there...

not to dampen the psyche & heart of the cause, but amidst all the rallies, conventions, meetings, lobbying, etc. lies the difficult question, "what is the end goal?" should we be specific & scientific or walk aimlessly in a parade of moral rhetoric?... i believe what would affirm this movement is the actualization of the purpose behind it... Jesus came to fulfill the law. shouldn't we then define the end goal?...

2005-03-27T04:19:00.000-05:00

road to perdition pt. 2... 'just came from Easter vigil, and our Archbishop spoke the same sentiment that i blogged about last Friday... we are all called to be "contemplatives in action", transformed by the hidden life with Christ & true apostles of faith in service...

and so my dear pilgrim, see you in heaven...

2005-03-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

the road to perdition... i was not surprised at all when people see me as 'goody-goody' or 'subtley saintly' but what scared me is if all i was seen as was a vat of good intentions... then i would just be a 'friendly failure'... intent unless acted upon becomes stale, diminished and forgotten. i don't wish to be labelled as or be a symbol of 'good girl(s)' when goodness entails more than premeditation...

my road is not paved with such (intentions) but i walk with purpose... and i strive to put my money where my mouth is... then finally, i can declare myself heaven-bound...

2005-03-15T01:30:00.000-05:00

miracles & milestones... this weekend i witnessed what i've been praying for, for such a long time: God took his place... and He was exactly where he should be.

affirmed & convicted, my life will forever be changed, driven to excel, no matter what the price. if i never risk anything precious (to me), one cannot expect me to offer anything equally precious. my life is a rare gem, a diamond in the rough, a whisper in the storm. i will give it away. gain or pain, i walk this lonely planet praying for light & hope, reaching out to the hand of a perfect stranger, made in God's likeness.

the miracle this weekend was the response of 160 single men & women, fearless martyrs, willing & able in God's strength. the milestone was the first step each feet walked, the first thump each heart beat, the first yes each lip uttered, the first move each soul made...

...and God will always Be.

2005-03-06T05:00:00.000-05:00

CLOSING CYCLES
by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: That is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person; nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

thank you Yvonne! this is dedicated to...

2005-03-05T17:26:00.000-05:00

ordinary people... taking it slow, letting the moment simmer, like a sweet caress of a lover's hand. wow! that song is pure bliss. it would be such misfortune if things get rushed... take time, building momentum, pacing, like every breath you take... i love to just hear a steady heartbeat, or walk a good mile in the park with a good friend... it's like stimulating discourse over a cup of finely brewed coffee. we're all just ordinary, with exceptional experiences.

2005-03-03T17:11:00.000-05:00

a realistic romantic... wow! take the test & check yourself! (i thought i'd take this since i'm admittedly in love)...

You Are A Realistic Romantic
You are more romantic than 60% of the population.
It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...
But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.
You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets
You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic? find out TODAY!

hmmm...i've never really seen myself in such ways...

2005-03-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

the gift of goodbye... this whole week had been a whirlwind of activity in my house. my parents left again for Africa, for another 10 months. as i struggled inside, the push & pull wasn't too difficult if only for a moment. this was the nature of our mission as a family. we didn't move to this green pasture to just enjoy ourselves but to claim this land for God. ambitious. ideal. overwhelming...

but i need the gift of goodbye (a phrase coined by a fellow missionary)... i need to be able to say it with utmost confidence, "goodbye", "farewell", "Godspeed"... detached.

i will rejoice in the perfect moments i am able to spend with my significant others, my loved ones, even for a few minutes, or for a few days. it will scar, but wounds have a funny way of healing: they leave a scar just to remind you of how important it was to be healed... and to move on.

2005-02-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

officially... i'm back, and i'm missing you...

the 3 months i invested in the Philippines are chockful of anecdotes, inside jokes, non-verbals and memories of smog & blue skies, white sand & garbage... i can still smell it in vague, minute amounts. much happened, and much more was yet to unfold.

check back in a few days as i prepare to upload photos of my trip...

p.s. obviously my mission blog never surfaced because i was never too frequent at the internet cafe let alone at our head office PCs. sorry, my bad!

2004-11-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

love, goes well with people... tomorrow i depart for the Philippines to begin a new phase in my career... and i also jumpstart my mission blog... of course, assuming i am in the internet cafe everyday... so, pray for me & the rest of us coming in this month to be happy & safe in our travels... GODSPEED Team Canada!

2004-11-10T01:42:00.000-05:00

love, if i have it i'll always be home... i'm in Vancouver right now, the last area for my visits here in Western Canada... and my heart is glad. being back here has made me realize the possibilities are endless, creeping up on unsuspecting hopefuls, captive witnesses to miracles...

this fair city was home to me for 7 years and i still feel welcome here... it's like i never left... just tonight with my ol' SFC friends helped me recall a lot of where i came from, and where i was going... much thanks is deserved...

2004-10-31T04:33:00.000-05:00

love, don't leave home without it... i'm currently on my first leg of my travels in Western Canada here in Calgary, and i am reminded once again of how rewarding this work is, and that my time here was best spent when i would be with people i care about & who care about me... so for all who may leave their physical homes, stay the course, and LOVE people along the way... it's the ultimate bottom line...

2004-10-25T03:48:00.000-04:00

clean sweep... i've recently been cleaning (out) my room due to lack of space, and lack of organization... i know that there is order to my chaos but sometimes i do wish i remembered where i placed such and such item so i need not scan other areas within my 4 walls for it... as well, i've been reformatting my priorities, thus it will show in my clutter...and in my garbage...

wish me luck when i begin renovating this box i call home next year... IKEA will be my (new) theme park...

2004-10-24T03:30:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY!

i've been blessed with a lot in my life, and you are the one thing that stays true...

thank you God for my mother, and for the womb that was my shelter... thank you Lord for her uncanny wit & wisdom which has guided me constantly... thank you for the woman that i wish to be someday --strong, smart, spiritual, and sunshiny...

I LOVE YOU always!

2004-10-21T04:03:00.000-04:00

caught up, catching up... the dangers of leaning towards any one idea is that it could just be the wrong idea... lately i've been thinking (and recently broke wind) of me in married life... and of course jumping into this conclusion will cost me heartache IF it was never for me...

as noted from last night's round table discussion with my dearest friends, yes these days i must consider the ff:

a) prayer is key --God has the blueprint of my life; His will comes first
b) be open --setting myself up for disappointment is NOT one of the options
c) choose or be chosen --in the event that i am called for marriage, i must marry for love, not to ease my fears, or be swayed by emotion

as much as it was an aftershock for me that i shared this openly, i'm glad i did because maybe i just needed to refocus... last night, affirmation was not my goal but i just needed to express where i was, and that if my friends knew it they will help me along... whatever vocation God leads me to... all i know is this is an area i wish to explore more... in His time.

2004-10-19T00:35:00.000-04:00

gentleness... in a matter of minutes i was transported into another way of thinking i thought i already adhered to... it was both comforting and startling to realize that i needed to love myself, to heal myself, to be gentle with myself... i needed to take into account that all my reality, and everything around me was God's way of being gentle with me; life is unappreciated when uncultivated... i hail from divine beauty, and must live accordingly...

i thank the priest who made me see how much value i can place into myself just because i am worth a lot... it is a time to shine, a time to soar, a time to be me... "i'm coming up!"

2004-10-01T03:52:00.000-04:00

fear factor... i've never felt so scared, overwhelmed, elated, fixated as i am these days... and yet the persistent voice of divine reason urges me to keep on... my courage is measured by God's permissive will... fear will only factor in when i've lost touch with my purpose...

2004-09-28T03:55:00.000-04:00

CSI = uniqueness = God... whenever i watch CSI, i'm not only amazed by the work they put into to the show in order to increase interest in the field of forensics & criminology, but also in the subtlety of each message, albeit moral lesson from each & every episode... like for instance, i find that CSI (or science) affirms my uniqueness, my individuality, whether i am the victim on the autopsy examination table, or a suspect investigated or incriminated by my DNA samples... out of that huge database with millions of fingerprints, photos, history, blood type and what not(s), I am sure to be the only one that would match whatever evidence they have collected... thus, if i am this select, then i can't possibly come from one pool of ooze with one DNA sequence; i would have to made especially, with my unique strand of identity... "No, sir. I was not an accident. My ancestors were not apes."

2004-09-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

a departure of sorts... and here i am back to blogspot... i know it's kinda weak of me but with my busyness this year, maintaining my own css layout site would hurt... i understand a little sacrifice but i'm not searching for it when it comes to webbie tech... but do take note that i will still blog... here & well, in xanga too...

2004-04-30T17:06:00.000-04:00

reloaded... just loaded up my new design today *whew*... cleaned up my css... i dunno if this is good enough... my code breaks apart in other browsers... do give me some feedback IF and WHEN my code is unacceptable... IE's my browser, and i do NOT wish to please everyone, just some (popular) browsers *hint*... and thanks for the advice, Butch!

p.s. link to http://claygirl.urbanlove.com/

2004-04-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

precious (moments)... i think a moment in itself, eternal or otherwise, is more than just a fragment in time... i believe that any action, deed, word, or thought done in a moment requires a huge ounce of value... if there was a time i spent with family and friends without discussing the day's going-ons, sipping homemade beverages over a friendly game of Scrabble, or watching a movie, it would not be a complete waste of time... after all i did spend it WITH loved ones...

i guess i'm sentimental that way; you need not do anything but just sit beside me, and i am content... i say THAT's precious... regardless of verbal stimulation or a light hug, being WITH the ones you love matters most in the grand scheme of things... the world needs more moments like these, simple yet engaging...

2004-04-13T14:07:00.000-04:00

a vigil... last night i worshipped with my sisters in community, and it was in itself a time of healing... the prayers were long but it was intense... moments of grace flowed as we offered our hearts and spirits to God... it felt like a vigil, awaiting a Person so good, so kind, so merciful to come down and assure us of things we cannot see... the sober voices of faith affirmed our very need to "be still and know" that God IS... real and unmatched in power and majesty...

last night was a test for all of us, and to pass this (test) would ask MORE from us... and if we love Him, we will DO more.

and... to 2 sisters whom i admire: Cheryl T (April 11), and Eleanor (April 9)... you're God's treasures! happy, happy, happy belated B-DAYs!...

2004-04-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

anticipation personified... i honor of the real reason for Easter, Jesus Christ, a simple yet wise man from heaven... a God-made-man, perfect in every way... He comes back tomorrow, in full glory... I CAAAAAN'T WAIT!

may our vigil tonight be an offering of our all...

2004-04-08T19:35:00.000-04:00

coping with the Cross... if i couldn't bear to see a grown man make a definitive decision to be the sole salvation of many become the (very thing) the many would not welcome, what kind of life will i lead?... my future's sealed because of such a 'foolish' deed...

lately some good people in my life came upon a thing called "coping"... and some can't... some won't... some aren't... during this Lent, will i ask my God how He coped...? or will i be eternally thankful and LEARN to do the same... if our cross was to (just) cope, then i would understand why some do not believe... it's more than that... we CAN cope... the problem is that we won't... carry it...

2004-04-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

clogged... it's this week again, and i feel energized to just work, work, work... it's the Lenten season, and i still crave all the Krispy Kreme donuts we have in our fridge at home... what's wrong with me?... hmmmm... it might just be the glazed white processed sugar that's still in my body... *scream* dats cool...

but seriously, i'm clogged with work and i'm LOVIN' it!... last night, i was so wired i couldn't stop thinking... about the awesomeness of God, the paradox of (this) life, and the great joy that found me... world-famous donuts help but this sweet opportunity has become a passion, and nothing will get in its way...

2004-04-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

surprises... wow, it's been a whole 2 weeks for me and this no-rice 'diet', and it's been cool... although i did try a few tablespoons... it didn't appeal to me though... my tummy's getting used to it, and the next thing you know i'll slim down to my ideal size(!)...

but the bulk of the surprises is in my line of work: ministry... i guess what i find now is that i'll be called upon to complete a task, anticipated yet out-of-the-blue... i get to have deadlines now (yey!), and it seems like my usual load before i worked fulltime... however, the more daunting task now is the getting-intimate-with-people part... i see this as a vital part of ministry, and reaching out when it's hard sometimes tests ME beyond measure... and that's a good thing coz i signed up for this, and i can't see myself doing anything else...

"so... how are YOU?"...

2004-03-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

back at one... and counting... here is my lot in life: to fulfill my purpose here, and have a little fun while i'm at it... so far here's a recap of what has transpired since December 2003:

january: my nephew, Lorenzo Dominic, was born at 8lbs. and healthy... i learned chess (and still learning)...
february: my parents leave for Africa, and for the first time i cried seeing them go... i reached a turning point in my relationships with my friends...
march: i get major scolding from God at our recent retreat in Calgary, and then He hires me to work for him fulltime...

the next few months will now be a tedious yet necessary exercise in character formation and lifestyle ethics for me... wish me the best, reader! and God bless you!

2003-12-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

from a distance, closer... and so this year ends, and a new year promises many things... personally, my life will take a huge turn in 2004... partly, and initially because i'll be turning 30... it's not the bio-clock issue or anything, but i feel like accomplishing so many tasks next year, beginning with learning 2 sports: skiing/snowboarding, and chess... i've so far succeeded in knowing how to die, albeit in a bloody way, in chess... let's see what winter holds for me (that's rookie to snowqueen please)...

and there's the one-year stint of my missionary parents to Africa... missing them all over again will not be pleasant... *sigh* acceptance and courage plays a major role here...

as well, and excitedly i look forward to the birth of my nephew, aptly named Lorenzo (after the patron saint of the Philippines, St. Lorenzo Ruiz), sometime in the next month or so... coupled with this joyful news is that his parents are moving back in... we'll be a huge family again, despite the obvious absence of grandpa & grandma... the move will be difficult but worth it...

i also plan to travel (again) next year... to New York City... and offer prayers at Ground Zero, watch a few plays, check out metro-urban life, and see my aunt in New Jersey... (this was a generous gift from my parents for accumulating so many airmiles flying to and fro on mission trips... why not use it?... ergo, what a gift!)...

lastly, i believe Jesus will be closer than ever... my need seems greater this time... there's even more in store that i cannot see... any resolutions i will make i will have to DO... then, there would be no need for Christ to walk a greater distance to my heart than He should... although i'm sure He will...

2003-12-28T07:12:00.000-05:00

from a distance... yey! i am finally OK... it's 5AM and i just got home... THAT's how well i've become since the 22nd... *sigh* and so far, Christmas has meant more Advent-ish to me than anything... it meant more preparation...

you see, during the Midnight Mass celebration, after reflecting on the birth of Jesus Christ, it dawned on me that He saw us, loved us... from a DISTANCE...

here's a little snippet of fact: Jesus never travelled to towns further than 30 miles from Jerusalem... but according to some research i found on the web, Jesus 'almost' walked the distance around the world at the equator!... amazing feat for an extra-amazing man...

regardless of this information i realized that the longest mile Jesus has to walk sometimes (besides his walk to Calvary) is the distance between his heart and ours... i wonder why... well, maybe it will come to me... tomorrow... or whenever...

2003-12-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

flu season... i'm sooo down with the flu right now... and so i am on hiatus via NeoCitran... *moan* pray i get better to celebrate Christmas... *sniff* a Merry Christmas to all of you, and an eager look-forward to 2004!!!

2003-12-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

more (questions)... why is it that when help comes to us we tend to curl up and suddenly feel we're not exactly able to handle things on our own?... and why is it that when we help we often hurt than help?... why is it that we screw up relationships when we're attempting to make them better?... why is it that we can't accept brutal truths from people who care?... and why do caring people tend to shoot themselves in the foot when they stand up (no pun intended) for what is 'right'?...

why do fools fall in love when loving is an intelligent choice?... why do we make choices that seem to be the dumbest decisions we ever made?... *shaking head*

we may not be successful in certain things, but what matters is that we tried... and failure is something we try to avoid, sometimes unsuccessfully, everyday...

2003-12-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

a few things (and questions)... don't you ever wonder how the world seems to circle around you and you feel swayed into a spiral of routine and urbane boredom?... do we wake up each day and wonder whatever happened to yesterday? and what does tomorrow bring?... is it okey to sleep in while the busy Earth keeps working?... angst! angst! whatever happened to today?!...

p.s. 'have nothing else to blog about... my gray matter's shut!

2003-12-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

good news... the advantage of hearing good news is that you are glad to spread it... juicy tidbits of grandeous works of God inflame the very soul of man, still caught up in temporal matters, sucking up every ounce of happiness just to survive the next day of battle... inflamed as in amazed, overwhelmed, disturbed, awakened, driven... and such works of God will illuminate the hearts of men indeed... such Good News is a welcome surprise to this mortality we like to call humanity...

2003-11-28T12:40:00.000-05:00

how do i know the ONE?... when one's on air, does one float or fly? when one's in love does one hope or...

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you...?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
Know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?

2003-11-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

death's sting...

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Isaac Asimov

there has been much talk of death these days... actually, death is all over the media... it's in fiction and in fantasy... it's in dreams and in realities... when life is lived well, death is but the next phase... O dear life, will i die well?

To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late,
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers
And the temples of his gods?
- Thomas Babington Macaulay, Lays of Ancient Rome--Horatius (XXVII)

2003-11-25T23:02:00.000-05:00

afraid? where did the time go?... i vowed i will never make decisions, or express myself ~~deeply~~ when i'm particularly and uncomfortably vulnerable... i'm seriously in a puddle of doubt at the moment... and if i sink in any lower the puddle will (soon) engulf my one ~~sane~~ mind...

challenge after challenge i have encountered but tough love and the truth are the worst... and i owe my pain and scars to strangers and acquaintances, loved ones and enemies who deem themselves sent by God to make judgment on my life... but i guess i chose to make myself such an open book... and now i'm paying dearly...

if ever i was hurt, it would be by those closest to me, and by those who have fallen away from me... if ever i was angry, it would be due to my impassioned mind and fervent zeal... if ever i was in love, i would be happy as can be...

3 years ago, someone asked me "what are you afraid of?"... and i was asked this question again... my answer is:

dear someone, I AM afraid of many things, yes, but it was never too big or important for me to admit... i realize now that fears, big or small, count no less than the hairs on my brow... but yes, I AM afraid, sometimes... of living a lie... of life passing me by... I AM afraid that this will all be rhetoric and no amount of wordplay can exacerbate the state of my unfulfilled existence... that if i knew fear face-to-face, i shall be paralyzed and not stand again... I AM afraid you are wrong about me... and... that you are right about me... I AM afraid that i have been cut deep in ways i alone understand...

braveheart, your courage is inspiring, your words are gold... and i find solace in the truth... i would only resent you if you were never honest, or if you were only speaking wisdom just to gloat... my sin lies not in my fear but in finding reasons to excuse my lack of initiative... truly I AM duty-bound... to my Lord... not to anyone... least of all myself...

if ever i was afraid, it would be because i never followed my heart...

2003-11-24T03:09:00.000-05:00

existensial angst, no time... i don't have time to be depressed about my future... i can hardly take time to value my present... and i find reflecting on the past opens up chestloads of forgotten memories, and repressed emotions... whatever it was i was feeling this past weeks is set aside for other pressing matters... presently.

2003-11-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

matrixed... watched "The MATRIX Revolutions" last night with my friends... and i'm still somewhat confused as ever, as far as details are concerned, although visually stimulated... and we had a lot to talk about despite our varying degrees of interpretations... and so the Wachowski Bros. DID accomplish what they set out to do... confuse and conform... ain't that a sweet compromise?...

what i DID get out of this story would be that beginnings and ends are a matter of choice... and that the likely event of one's said choice beginning or ending at a deisgnated point in time will be slightly different if not at all completely similar... a choice, either deliberate or accidental, has a purpose...

AND... out-of-the-box thinking should be a mental exercise meant to construct even bigger concepts, albeit our limited abilities... i think reality and fantasy share a common truth... they either affirm the existence of peace, love, joy --things Mr. Smith detested to the max, or they don't...

i did not find quasi or semi or pseudo religious themes, being an avid fun of noble ideals, but i did find my own beliefs affirmed... and that i was challenged to really go beyond what i see...

"love is not blind, it sees everything, but loves anyway"...

2003-11-19T21:56:00.000-05:00

complete joy... went to church today with my family... and it is noteworthy to say that i felt complete... even though i have been somewhat despairing lately it dawned on me that my treasures, or any amount of happiness i have or will attain, big or small, are found only in the moments and faces that pass me by...

and for that precious gift of life i am thankful... if not for every second i have neglected, wasted in error... if not for the little miracles that DO (still) occur... if not for that kind word or deed i seldom remember was given to me... if not for all this goodness i see around me, i will remain ungrateful and one SAD mess indeed... "Lord, when Your glory appears, my joy will be complete"...

2003-11-17T14:01:00.000-05:00

reunion... YEY! my parents are finally home! 3 months of missing the most influential people in my life has made me trust in God much more... being so far away made them closer to my heart... hm... why is it that we miss our loved ones more when they're distant... why can't we cherish them when they're near?... thank God my parents are such open books, willing and able to impart love and wisdom... this will be a memorable reunion for all of us... I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!

2003-11-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

birthday greets... HAPPY BIRTHDAY Aires, my dear brother in Christ... you are truly a blessing to me, to us...

thank you God for this man whom i have learned much from... i can still recall an awkward teenager with his guitar, a shy demeanor, and a fire inside he knew would consume him one day... and wow! theology! that's why i enjoy our superficial & philosophical chats... you're kinda deep, and joke-wise we are West Coast, remember?... you are trustworthy, and i am glad to know we're both on God's side... keep up the fight!...

2003-11-14T16:34:00.000-05:00

secrets and the freedom of expression... for goodness sake, why post stuff that could incriminate you?!... i ask you, reader, although one is free to speak/'write down' his or her mind, does it validate the abuse an innocent web-passerby experiences in surfing the virtual community?... do i HAVE to know who you slept with yesterday, or if you inhaled in the 70s?... unless you're sincerely confessing to the all-compassionate public and expect applause or forgiveness, DON'T blog about it, regardless of others' oh-so discriminate tastes... but then how does one know if the truth was ever published?... the poli-corr terms i understand are: modifications, embellishments, upgrades, downgrades, addendum, etc... the fact: we call them 'white lies' in our century... a lot of them can eventually catch up to you... secrets are meant to be exposed... on YOUR terms... and how you express them measures your own understanding of real freedom... or you can also count how many people (still) respect you after all that... tell me, how do i earn YOUR respect?

2003-11-13T02:22:00.000-05:00

blog Yoda... i'd like to thank my newest blog Yoda, Eric, my net-scribey friends, plus other excellent bloggers out there for teaching me i CAN be a better writer... hardwork is way undermined these days with laziness and convenience in one's reach... i have been looking into ways of making my blogs shorter than usual, but filled with depth... instead, i've just been recycling day-old and archived deposits from my albeit sometimes short-term memory... English, although used worldwide, is underutilized (i hope that's a word!) and abused... (i wish i had Henry Higgins' passion for this grand mother tongue)... i hope to change my ways soonest than later... i may need a good regimen of books, books and more books... so far, my day consists of sleeping in, and watching movies --based on books... see, i'm slowly improving... emphasis on 'improving'...

2003-11-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

a new peace... just this weekend i attended a christening, for my friend's newborn daughter... the church was packed, and in the back, where the Baptism took place, many children gathered to be part of this event... and i realized how fortunate i was to also be part of such a mysterious yet beautiful ceremony... thus, in light of the new disturbance i wrote about in my last blog, i am now filled with a new hope, a new peace, knowing that the children of the past, of the present and of the future, innocent and free, as they always have been, will retain the good values, and create a world filled with Christ... this new truth has always been true... children are the wave of the future... children are heavensent... children gladden the Father's heart... children are blessed beyond our wildest dreams... and we will learn much from them as they will from us...

2003-11-05T18:23:00.000-05:00

a new disturbance... lately i've been hooked to a series of books called "The Christians", published by The Christian History Project... and in it i find not only amazing artwork, and jewels of knowledge & history about my own faith, but i see an ominous retelling of the events which for centuries rattled and shook the very core of the Christian belief system --heresy... and today we see this in the world... the media proliferating lies for mere profit and entertainment, seducing the minds of the masses to embrace controversialism, spreading a poison of humanistic indifference into society, from ancient artifacts (the James Ossuary) to modern-day works of fiction (the DaVinci Code) --altogether a subtle and divisive method of attack against Christianity, and againts Christ Himself...

and the other night... in my fears i also realized that God, although unworried, expectant of our shortcomings, did not mean for us or will allow us to ruin ourselves... the point in fact is, God will have His way, and i wish we'd just let Him(!)... becoming a hindrance to and a rebel against an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-seeing God IS futile... and still having known this we still go against... most of us don't even recognize the TRUTH anymore... and like Pilate, who didn't know the truth, will we torture Christ again & wash our hands of him once we're done persecuting him?...

this, in fact, is what troubles me everyday --a new disturbance, a new heresy, a new lie... but i remain one who professes the absolutes of good and of evil, of lies and of truth, of hot and of cold, of life and of death... i pray you, READER, see this before it's too late...

2003-11-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

no longer victims...yester-night was the monthly GA of YFC Edmonton, themed the "DRIVEN" GA, and i was asked to help out... we had a full band and everything... we showed the video of the YFC Global Leaders Forum that happened this past August in Manila... and we had some of the RLC delegates share... but what touched me last night was how these kids are finally taking the work seriously... and how the Lord is slowly changing hearts...

the fear i have however is if Jesus will end up finding 'weeds among the wheat'; i hope & pray not... but alas! in the real world we live in, that is to be expected... we become victims of that vicious cycle of nominal Christianity (oxymoron), routine, worldly cares, uncommitted service (another oxymoron), confusion --a powerless prayer life, with no convictions, no drive, no passion... let's just pray those of us who have seen the VISION remain faithful...

2003-10-31T12:28:00.000-05:00

a born-day greeting... in honor of a brother i never had, but i kinda do now coz he is so welcome in our home... to my friend LUIGI... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

i honor him because he is a child of God trapped in a man's body, and he's a man of God trapped in the mind of a child!... he's one of the most giving persons i've ever met, and funny, as in witty, charming, sarcastic, real... his stories inspire you, entertain you, amuse you, remain with you... as a missionary he practices what he preaches, and his integrity as a leader is a shining example for the young people he serves... he has much to say about stuff and many learn from him (including me of course)... i pray God grants you your heart's desire (i dunno who she is, but i hope to meet her soon --hehehe)... i hope for only the BEST for this 20something-old guy from Toronto, and that the one thing that will keep driving him closer to God will be his OWN will...

2003-10-28T18:47:00.000-05:00

DRIVEN even further... this past weekend i was DRIVEN... crazy, to abundant grace, to excel, wild at heart, to compassion, for a vision... and i so wish for this prayer to keep happening!

much kudos to the DRIVEN service team (Butch, Cheryl, Debbie, Ray, Vlad, Marcus, the fabulous leaders of YFC Vancouver-a'ights, and my fellow WGATters!)... this is a new chapter in our lives... i can watch it pass by or be a part of it... God's divine 'drama' has already begun... don't be left behind...

i'd like to post the recent email i sent my parents in Africa about this past weekend:

hello Dad, Mom!!!! just got back from the RLC! it was an amaaaazing weekend! the talks & workshops were Spirit-led! i was tasked with giving the "ANCOP Workshop" and that was cool coz it started things off on Saturday... we drove in 3 vans....over 100 YFC attended this RLC, which was themed "DRIVEN"... everyone was in business casual the whole weekend... this is SERIOUS fun to work for God... and the workshops... wow! ang dami! i helped out in the "Guitar Improvement Workshop"....there was a lot of activity happening, but the more surprising events happened behind the scenes: stories of souls being saved, events that transpired to help firm up the convictions of certain individuals, genuine repentance, renewed faith, healing & restoration of relationships, etc.... it was beyond programs & rhetoric... this was real!... Dad, mahirap na ganito lang ang andar ng areas (it's never gonna work if the areas move at this pace)... we're too slow! we're not moving at all! it's NOT enough! and i want MORE!... please pray for those who attended that ALL may be DRIVEN, not just inspired or touched... but DRIVEN... to act!... i have much to share on what went on in our last meeting with the FTWs during lunchtime Sunday (PCs, YFC program heads)... all the proposals have been approved by the CFC Natl Council... they will begin implementation ASAP... i pray that i get to go do MORE work soon!... *scream* i miss you both... we have a lot to share to each other i'm sure!"

i was just sooo fired up i couldn't just sit & do nothing... and in prayer this morning God spoke His words again, and He promises "thousands will kneel before Him..." and for me it was crystal clear it would take deep faith & genuine good works to do this... blessed are those who say YES to God, and NO to the world...

2003-10-23T09:56:00.000-04:00

driving to DRIVEN... i'm off to BC this weekend... my site will be devoid of blogs for now... do say a prayer for us...

2003-10-19T13:44:00.000-04:00

a SPECIAL birthday greet... to my youngest brother, Peps... my confidante, a deep thinker, slightly too addicted to video games, a linguist in his own right (Tagalog, English, Korean, Cantonese, Japanese, etc.), loves to dance, spiritual & moody, a Wendy's loyalist, chat fan, huggable, eats like a ***, sorta neat freak, has much to say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, bro!!!! i wish for you a good life, and the best from God! you're not so young anymore, you're gaining height... and weight(!)... you are unique, and you are loved... ALWAYS remember... i'm forever your big sister, and a friend if you need me to be...

2003-10-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

friendster addict... i guess i can admit it... i've been spending much time on Friendster, and other online networking websites like Myspace.com and Everyonesconnected.com... they're fun and easy to use, especially when adding testimonials or comments... i enjoy saying good stuff about people... it gives me purpose, rather than tearing them down... it could be that i've become overly sentimental in the past 2 months, but nah... it's just that i really mean what i say, and say what i mean... no use being shady when i can't be real about it... (hehehe) i'm just joking... now, if only i could wake up earlier as i meant to, i would be able to do more good in a day!

2003-10-03T20:53:00.000-04:00

jetlagged and sober... i'm baaaaaaaaaaack!... but it's all a blur coz i just woke up(!) i could just get used to this only i f i wasn't feeling a little nauseous (ya, that's the sober part)... i am on the verge of an adventure that's already happening... a quest i believe as necessary for my very existence... and no matter what i physically feel, my whole being screams out for a change of pace... (this is REALLY where the sober part comes in)... having been exposed to the mire of poverty and the decadence of my generation, it is an ultimatum i put upon myself to make sure this world becomes a better place... and it will start with me, whether i'm drunk with sleepless nights or awakened by this disturbing light, i will GO...

"the event of the year, the cause of our lifetime"

2003-09-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

oh god, ate lissa's going to murder me and leave me to rot in the dessert. i haven't updated this site for her umm 3 2 (not including me) readers.

so, i finished the book. yes, quite good. its interesting. go out and buy it. actually wait until the library gets it and push away all the yuppie book readers who are way too cheap to buy the book and borrow it. its really quite good.

also.

have you ever heard of friendster? its like asian avenue with more endorphines. yay!

apparently the big thing out in slang world is "pimp"! is it just me but the pimp gives me shoes with heals big enough to house an aquarium with a dead goldfish and faux fur with sparkling star glasses. yes folks, surfing in from asian avenue and friendster, being called a pimp is NOT a good thing. just because 50-cent wrote a song to remind him how to spell it, doesn't mean it becomes the new slang word for asian teen agers online. c'mon, the guy can't even create a meaningful moniker. at least pick something with a greater dollar value... 10-dollar maybe? say no to p-i-m-....people!

2003-08-16T14:28:00.000-04:00

I've finished reading the book. really i have, man. i totally forgot to blog here. so, are you guys excited? waiting to hear the great change in religion brought to be me by this book? the insight that will change my life and your life; if and when this book is picked up?

well, don't expect it. i'm not going to turn this website into a big spoiler site. lets just say that, i have been proven wrong. a book based on internal struggle and a no more than 20 characters TOTAL can prove itself to be quite interesting. hows that for vague?

after pi, has been floating on water for a few more days. he becomes blind, he comes across an island decides to stay there then leaves and then he's rescued! well, he makes it back to land. which is a bit anti climactic. i mean, if i was stuck on a floating house for a little more than a year, i would be rejoicing my head off right? all the more, he landed in mexico (which isn't such a big secret; just read all the damn amazon reviews). i'd be eating taquitos like no tomorrow.

the end of the book? well, it ends off with pi giving an interview to two investigators. thats where it all ends. the expected part of the book where it makes you go, "OH MY GOD! are you serious?!" its something like the expression when you realize that you just paid 13 dollars to go see gigli. it wasn't that bad, but i was still taken aback and it was VERY surprising. i'm not really sure how to react to it.

its been a few weeks already and i'm still constantly thinking about it. no joke. maybe i'll re-read the end, i think i might've missed something.

2003-08-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

i'm still reading. really i have. i didn't shluff it off on the bathroom, really i didn't. but let me tell you that the "hey-look-i'm stuck-in the middle-of-the-ocean" scene and the "i'm-dead-cause-theres-a-tiger-here" vibe is getting a bit boring to say the least.

the character develops tho. from completely scared of the tiger, to scared but hey i'm his master. from i don't want to kill turtles for food, to hummm turtles. its quite educational. i wonder if i'll ever get to that point.

also, i cheated. looked in the back of the book. its a terrible habit that i have. well, i'm not going to spoil it for anyone but pi does end up in mexico. uugh. i won't say anything else but that.

2003-07-31T17:08:00.000-04:00

i can't put this book down. i'm even starting to be late for things because of it. oh man! well trusted readers. i hope you're not sick of me yet.

so its already chapter 66 (short chapters) and he's still on the boat. he's learned how to fish and he's manged to tame the tiger which he was so very afraid of earlier. he's very resourceful. intelligent actually. but hey! he's living and thats the good thing.

so now he's fishing and just in survival mode. in a certain page he lays out his day and every step of the way has "pray" but he never mentions to whom. whenever something religious is mentioned, its always mentioned in 3's. i'm wondering if this is intentional (probably is) and how many readers pick up on it. to be honest, there hasn't really been anything thats obviously and utterly life changing about this book.. yet.

2003-07-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

so i did some poking around last night at amazon's website and actually came to a review of the book. it looks like that our little hero pi will be stuck on this little barge with a dead crippled zebra, a beheaded orangutan and a hyena.

its quite interesting still. i usually get bored halfway through the book when there are lots of internal struggle. i'm a typical guy when it comes to books. i like large explosions and big aliens. which is why ender's game was such a great book, but the latter books of the series seems to drag for me. thats a totally different story.